Day Fifty-Two

Feeling very moody. Very hungry. My own fault. Left house late. Stopped for gas. Coffee is not breakfast. Going for water. Damn it. Need to get breakfast food in the house.
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1:07 p.m. - I am feeling much better. I met David (my brother) and we walked to the cafeteria. I had a taco salad. I skipped the tortilla bowl as usual and also skipped the beans. I had about a cup rice, lettuce, carnitas, pico de gallo, dap of guacamole and sour cream, and a sprinkle of grated jack cheese. Tasty, satisfying and not overly filling. I'm enjoying my after coffee.
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Day Fifty-One

Early a.m. - getting ready for work
I weighed in at a new low since starting in June. I now weigh 259. These last three days have been good for me. I'm continuing on in my renewed efforts.
More later.
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I stopped in at HOJ this morning and had my special sandwich of toast, egg, and cheese. That and a couple cups of coffee had me set for the morning.

Lunch I went to A.J.'s and ordered a house salad, no tomatoes, and a scoop of chicken salad. I had four packets of saltine crackers, water and diet coke.

Dinner will be fast tonight. I'm thinking chili - meat only.

Feeling very moody today.

Day Fifty

I finished off the quiche from Friday. I've had one cup of coffee. At 11:51 I am finally up and moving around.

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12:30 - stopped by Starbucks and picked up a tall coffee with h/h.

Day Forth-Nine

It's 11:10. I was up early. Computed. Made coffee. Had more of the crustless quiche from yesterday. Still not hungry. This is a good thing.

I did notice yesterday that by mid-afternoon I had taken a huge slump. Was very tired and sluggish. Kris agreed that a.) needed to eat; b.) blood sugar was low. She was right. Dinner last night put me right and I felt good this morning.

click me to go big

I'm still feeling good but Elaine, you are right. I'm picking up the book again. I need to remind myself about balance. No carbs = low sugar. I'm heading out to *$$ for coffee and a quiet place to read without distractions.

I also need to plan some meals for today and tomorrow and shop for T'giving. More later.

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Afternoon and Evening

Kris and I met Elaine at HOJ. I had chicken salad w/one slice of whole wheat bread and a side of apple/broccoli/raisin salad.

Evening was one serving of lasagna (approx. 300 cal.) and a side of salad, Cesar dressing lite.

Much later in the evening I was very, very hungry. I knew I would not be able to get to sleep so I had some grapes. These grapes are fantastic. California raised, seedless, and the size of kumquats. Juicy. Luscious. WET and thirst quenching.

Day Forty-Eight

Friday morning - I've weighed in. I've gained four pounds.

Later in the morning I gathered together the ingredients for a crustless quiche. I mixed together 8 eggs, 1/2 cup h/h, cheddar cheese, feta cheese, and lots of veggies (broccoli, asparagus, onions, and zucchini). I did not use any s/p. Mistake. Salt and pepper next time for sure.

I baked it at 400 for about 40 minutes. I'm guessing it makes about 6 servings. Not bad. It is a little bland thanks to no s/p and I was disappointed that the feta cheese did not flavor it as I had hoped but overall, it was a success. I loved the smooth and chunky texture of the resultant mix.
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5:00

Was at Target with Krista. I suggested El Polla Loco for dinner. Grilled chicken would have been good. She suggested Chipotle. I have a good Plan A for Chipotle.

Romaine lettuce
a dash of lime rice
peppers and onions
a dash of whole beans
beef
drizzle of sour cream
pico de gallo
grated jack cheese

Good. Filling. Satisfied for the night.

Day Forty-Seven - I'm Back

I've been taking some time off. I'm back. Plan to weigh myself in the morning and get this ball rolling again. Regular updates for the next three days. Detailed food diary will be entered.

Monday, I may be in Fresno and off my food game (U.S. District Court jury duty).

Day Twenty-Eight

The morning is going along. Had a good breakfast and dinner last night was fine as well. I stepped on the scale this morning and it fluttered between 260 and 261 so it's moving down again. I would like to see 259 on Monday morning.
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I loved my lunch today. Met Elaine at A.J.'s and Don was there, eating alone, as well, so we all joined up together. I had scrambled eggs with fresh spinach and onions. No meat and no cheese. Did not miss it at all. Delish.

I also had some fruit with it and whole wheat toast, dry. It was the first fruit I've had in couple of weeks. I didn't realize how much I missed it. I enjoyed it better than I enjoyed the ice cream I had last week.

I'm feeling virtuous that I had the toast dry but really, there IS a reason why one butters one's toast. Dry toast is so hard to swallow. Duhhhh.
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Deb just walked in with a Starbucks latte. I love them plain, no sugar, no nothing, just luscious steamed milk and foam and coffee. No way I can say "thanks but no thanks". Yummmm.

Day Twenty-Seven

I was a solid, no flickering on the scale, 261 this morning. That's 14 lbs since June. I had veggie sausage patties (2) this morning and a stick of non-fat mozzarella cheese. Drinking coffee. Feeling satisfied. However . . .

I'm feeling very edgy this morning. Doesn't have anything to do with food. Did not sleep well. Had nightmares. Hate it when sleep is disrupted and leaves me feeling hung over in the morning. And darn, I didn't even have any fun arriving at that hung over feeling.

More later.

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Not feeling so edgy now. I posted my mood on Facebook and the good words came tumbling in. Thank God for good friends.

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soy bacon and cheese sticks. Not much but amazingly filling. I really have to go shopping.

Day Twenty-Six

I am feeling the slide. I am stalled and fluctuating between 261 and 263. I'm not eating a lot and am not picking but my choices are not adding up.

Yesterday I had my cheesy egg I can get at House of Java. It's two eggs and melted cheddar. It's basically an egg and cheese sandwich less the bread.

For lunch I had chili at A.J.'s but then ordered a piece of pumpkin pie. OK. I can live with the pumpkin pie as long as I have no more bread carbs today. So . . .

It's a cold and blustery day. Chili would be perfect for dinner so I made chili and corn muffins. I had TWO corn muffins. So much for carb control yesterday.

Today I flew out the door and all I've had is coffee. I'm hungry. It's 10:45. I will be leaving at noon for lunch at home. I'll just gut it out (no pun intended).

Day Twenty-Four

Morning and afternoon have slipped by. The weekend had a couple of small bumps but all is well. I'm sipping on a diet coke, enjoying the cold and fakely sweet fizz as it tickles its way down my throat.

There was no weight loss this week. Like a week ago, I think my body is just holding on to it. Then is drops a big kerplunk. Stay tuned. I am.

Day Twenty-one

I'm on track. Had coffee and ran around doing errands with Krista this morning. Then had breakfast of sausage links cut up and left over veggies mixed together to make a filling for an omelet. Sprinkled a little cheddar on the top and I was good to go.


I found myself eating rather quickly this morning and by the time I started slowing down there was only about three bites left. Had some coffee on the fly a little later.

Funny how all the plans of a day wash out. I had planned to go to a restorative yoga class today with Biene but then Biene called and she wasn't coming into town. Then I started waiting for Elaine to call and HER plans changed too. So much for doing anything, but, no matter. I mended Krista's beading on a favorite t-shirt of hers and since I was on a mending roll, I also fixed the tear in a crocheted tablecloth. I used invisible thread to mend the hole and that, as they say, was that. They both took less than an hour tooay but I waited months to do them. I think my guardian angel's name is "When the Spirit Moves Me".

Dinner was turkey leftover from last night, yams, and salad with tomatoes, radishes, and cucumbers. Blue cheese dressing topped it. I think we are going out later to have a dish of ice cream.

End of day one of my three-day weekend. Feeling good.

Day Twenty - Morning

This morning I was reflecting on my weight loss efforts since June and it occurred to me that I've actually lost 11!!!! pounds since I first start this.  It was in June, when I weighted 273, that I decided to try lapband surgery.  One of the requirements (by my insurance) was to lose 10% of my weight before surgery.  This, supposedly, would show that I was serious.   Well, I WAS serious and lossing 27 lbs wasn't going to prove that.  The turn-off was all the other stuff I learned about the surgery. 

Knowing that I've actually lost 11 lbs overall makes me feel a whole lot better and inspired to push through the next three days. I'm coming up on the first of my goal breakers.  I tend to lose steam with weigh loss at three weeks.  Things start falling apart for me. I start making excuses to myself and say this or that won't hurt me.  Well, that is not going to happen this time.

Morning - I had breakfast.  Yay!!  Two eggs and soy sausage.  Morningside is much better than that other brand I had.  I'm working on a second cup of coffee with half & half.  Then that will be it for coffee until later this afternoon when Deb (my boss) tends to put on a pot of decaf.

Lunch is past and decaf is brewing.
I went to A.J.s for lunch again.  I had to revisit that salad from a couple of days ago.  Not so great the second time around.  Different hands, different days.  I also had the toasted garlic bread this time.  No carbs tonight.  That will be my only obvious carb for the day.

More to come but before you go, I hope you will take a moment to enjoy this very funny story that Jeanne sent to me.  Perhaps you've seen it elsewhere (I had) but it is well worth reading again.

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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM


This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
_______ _________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it wouldhelp me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of mybody I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, d on't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coachor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on th counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolet by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, d on't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
_______________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Day Nineteen and I'm NOT hungry

    Photo from Doug McLellan. Breakfast on the Fly

So - I did my usual flying out the door again this morning.  No breakfast, not even on the fly.  It's now 1:40 p.m. and I have not left for lunch yet but not by chance.  I had to hang around to get hold of my student assistant.  But, now that I've connected with him and message is delivered, I find that I'm not one bit hungry.  Go figure.  I have a boatload of work to do.  I'm going to just keep on working.

Tammy S. - if you see this you can freely yell at me.  I know you are right but I'm just not hungry.

Day Eighteen

Morning - I am feeling so good today.  I am finding that I have more satisfaction with daytime foods without carbs than I felt a couple of weeks ago.  My body seems to be making the shift to not crave carbs so much and I seem to be more naturally tending to proteins and veggies.  I must admit, I miss having fruit in the morning but for now I will leave that for evenings only.  Sadly, I got up late this morning and washing my hair had highest priority so I blew out the door without breakfast.  Not good and a habit from the past that I need to work to not slide back into.

Afternoon - I LOVED my lunch today.  I didn't go home.  Was in the mood for a GOOD salad.  Went to A.J.'s and had something called Choppie's Salad.  It is a mixture of lettuce, cabbages, and carrots for color.  I told them to leave out the tomatoes.  It also had chicken chunks and shaved almonds.  Dressing was some Asian thing.

My big triumph today was sending the bread back.  You have to understand - A.J.'s toasted butter/garlic bread is sublime.  It sat there for a moment on the plate.  Then I moved it to a napkin on the other side of the table.  Then I started fantasizing about the darn thing and creating justification in my head.  Eventually I got the attention of the waitress and she removed it.  Yay!!!!

CINDA - I like the oatmeal with goodies and green tea suggestions.  I think I will have that for dinner one night.  I love chunky oatmeal.

Day Seventeen

I've lost five pounds!!

Later in the morning -

My next goal is to lose 3 lbs.  This will put me under 260.

Afternoon

Today's lunch was two hamburger patties wrapped in lettuce.  Mustard and catsup only.  Tasty.  Also has a handful of mixed nuts.

Day Fourteen

Morning - had two soy sausage patties and ran out the door. Grabbed coffee on the run. It's going to be a busy day.

More to come

Day Thirteen

Omigosh. Where did the day go? I never got in here. Well, this will be a shorty. Breakfast and lunch came and went. All is well. Did lots of shopping last night. Have everything I need to keep food together for a few days. Running (and I don't mean exercise). **sigh**

Day Twelve

Morning as broken and the rain has passed over us. The winds have died down as well. Yesterday was hellacious (well, by our standards anyway).

This morning I had a bowl of cereal. I'm stopping at Raley's after work tonight to stock up again. I have not been losing weight but I expect I'll see something just drop all at once. The big thing I've noticed is that my body hangs on to carbs like white clings to rice. Yesterday wasn't so much about too many carbs as it was about not enough veggies and greens which is why it is essential that I shop tonight.

More later.

Lunch . . .

. . . today was a Chipotle's again. Got their yummy salad with beef, bit of cheese and pico de gallo. Drizzled a bit of sour creme on the top and was set. Oh, and a diet coke. The most interesting part of lunch was when I spent ten minutes staring at this woman on and off who was yapping away on her cell like she was in her office. Hello, lady. You're at lunch and so are other people. Turn the damn phone off. I totally failed to get her attention. She was oblivious.

Anyway - she was also with someone and she did not speak to him at all. I had 15 minutes before I had to leave and I couldn't stand it. So - I packed up and as I left I walked up to their table, ignored her and told the man to please "tell the nice lady that this isn't her office and she is being very disruptive". Then I turned around and walked out. I felt very empowered. We don't have to put up with other people's thoughtless behavior.

Next stop - Raley's

Day Eleven

9:30 a.m.
The day started with bluster and rain and tree limbs flying. The energy level in my little corner of the planet is crazed. I'm loving it and I'm loving my day eleven. All is well. Had eggs and cheese this morning again. I think this is my new favorite breakfast.

More later.

Later and now evening

The whole day was a little off. I lunched at home and finished my last two soy sausage links. I cut them up and warmed them in a bowl of rice from last night. The evening was mixed up to. Left work early and was very hungry. Had a spoonful of peanut butter and then went to Borders at 5:30 to meet up with Elaine. I grabbed a biscuit as I ran out the door and had a coffee with h/h at Borders.

At 7:30 p.m.

I got home and knew I had to have something. I'm out of veggies and greens. Need to shop tomorrow. Finished the deli turkey and had some swiss cheese with the turkey slices.

I'll do better tomorrow.

Day Ten

Day Nine came and went.
Friday and Saturday I visited with Corey in Willows and Saturday was all about being careful with Barb's fabulous food and driving and walking all over Apple Hill.

Sunday in Diamond Springs was relaxing. Discovered a new yarn shop, visited over coffee with Barb away from the house, brunch was shrimp salad with toasted baguette and butter. Dinner at home was nothing much. Picked over this and that.

This morning I weighed in for the first time since Friday morning. First I was 265; then I was 266; and finally, as I totally weirded out over my scale, it read 267. Hmmmmm. Do I need a new scale? I've had this one for at least ten years.

Anyway - this morning - nothing but car problems but I managed to get to HOJ and had coffee. I had Tracy make up my special breakfast sandwich without the toast. It is just an egg with cheese melted on it. Heading to work, I was met with MORE car problems. Finally resolved all of that and got myself to the office.

I'm sitting at the desk with my fan blowing over me. I really need to cool off. Dealing with the car stuff was like have a hot flash. Talk about stressed. My second cup of coffee is getting cold. Into the microwave it goes and off to work I go - finally.

Afternoon
I went home for lunch and put together a mishmash of soy bacon and the remains of my Brie. Nuked it all in the microwave and then wrapped it in deli ham slices to make three small wraps. I'm surprised at how filling it was considering it did not appear to be a lot of food. It's pushing two and I'm doing well. I have lampchops out for dinner along with some fresh spinach. Add to that homemade applesauce and dinner will be very yummy.

Day Seven

It occurs to me that this is the last day of my first week. Tomorrow I would have weighed myself for my first week average of weight-loss but I'll be still in Diamond Springs so it will have to wait for Monday morning. No matter. I've been doing well so far.

Saturday Breakfast at Barb's
. . . had everything - of course. Barb, God love her, made me a delicious omelet filled with red bell peppers, white onions, bacon bits and mushrooms. Heaven. I had three slices of bacon as well. Just could not resist that third one.

Barb also made homemade raspberry syrup and aebelskebers. I don't think I spelled that right. Anyway, those round Swedish pancakes. I had ONE even though it was carbs. And I had none of the syrup. I ate the little delicacy in 4 or 5 bites, making a conscious effort to slow down. It took me about 15 - 20 minutes to eat the entire meal.

We will be bringing our lunch with us to apple hill and Barb has the fixings for a chicken Cesar salad, so the middle of the day is covered. This year I will NOT go into the fudge shop.

5:00 p.m. -
The day flew. Starbucks strength for Don and a push to apple hill had us going from point a to point b to point c and beyond. Walk, explore, leave, drive, park, walk, explore, over and over. We ended up at High Hill for our traditional picnic lunch and then more exploring. We were skipping the fudge factory and apple donuts this year so we left that half of High Hill for another year.

Lunch was so easy. Water and that delicious cesar salad had be satisfied for the rest of the afternoon. Tonight's dinner will be fun but like this morning and other meals, I'm guessing that by slowing down, I will be less and filling up faster. How can that be? Oh well, I'm not going to question the results. It has been a good food week and not too much yearning for breads, etc. Something is working.

Day Six

We are on the road. It's Furlough Friday and Don and I went to Willows where we met up with Corey, back in the country from her home in France. A long lunch at Subway after we connected at the local Starbucks, present me with my first food challenge of the weekend. Lunch at Subway. What is a carb addict to do?

Well, she builds her own salad of mix greens, spinach, cucumbers, onions, and bell peppers. Add to that a bit of grated cheddar and a couple ounces of deli meat and I was good to go. I had 2 oz. of ranch dressing and a diet coke. First challenge overcome.

Arriving later at Barb's in Diamond Springs, I considered the possibilities of dinner. Barb is a great cook and if there is a reason to cook for an army, she'll do it. It's all fresh made with no packaging. She had a pot of dinner soup on the stove made from yellow split peas, carrots and potatoes, and apple/chicken sausage. That, along with corn bread and oh was it a good dinner. There were snicker-doodles (homemade) for dessert and sprite with raspberry syrup to drink.

I have not picked a bit since dinner. This is practically a first at the House of Barbara. So - overall - an excellent day. It's 11 p.m. and I'm feeling a bit hungry. I'm going to go find some water.

Day Five

I weighed in at 263 this morning. Four pounds gone. Breakfast was the remainder of my egg substitute with two soy sausage links and a sprinkle of cheddar cheese. Tasty. Tonight I do my planning. Went brain numbed last night and didn't do any. That is one of the habits I'm trying to rectify - leaving things to the last minutes. In this case, the first small step is the awareness of last minute behavior. So - "Tonight, tonight", she said musically.

More to come later today.

2 p.m. at work
I did a lot of running around on my lunch hour. Totally missed sitting down and relaxing over lunch and had to solve the dilemma of eating out. Solution - I went to Chipotle's and got a salad.

Salad was lots of romaine lettuce, braised beef, grilled onions and peppers, just a little bit of pico de gallo (have to be careful of the carbs in tomatoes) and a bit of cheese. The server dribbled just a tiny bit of sour creme sauce and I had chipotle/honey vinaigrette. They serve it to you in a 2 oz container. I used half of it.

All together, it was just enough to make a moist and luscious and tasty salad. Had a diet coke with it and I'm good for the afternoon. I had to eat it at my desk which was a bit of an adventure but all in all a successful lunch.

Day Four

10:30 a.m. - at work
Last night I made Carb Addict's Cinnamon Coffeecake. It is light and airy and unexpectedly good. The solids separated from the egg whites and it puffed up a bit like a souffle. I had 1/4 of it this morning and I noticed that Kris headed out with some as well. I'll have to find out if she liked it. I have a feeling it isn't very substantial but so far it is getting me through the morning. I think I will finish it up at lunch in a salad along with my favorite, Brie cheese.


11:20 a.m. - at work
I Have Some Planning to Do - I got the follow tip from Tammy who lost over 100 lbs on WW and is now a marathon runner.

Planning is EVERYTHING. It's the foundation for all the rest. At the beginning of each week, I plan for which days I need to allot more points, and which days I will be more careful. I plan when to exercise. I plan my meals - all of them - and then I know how I will get through the week's challenges. I also think through situations like eating out: what I will eat at the restaurant, look on the website to see which entrees are more lifestyle-friendly (it is NOT NOT NOT a diet, ever, or it is OVER!), etc. If eating at a friend's house I ask what they are cooking, ask them to use less oil, offer to bring a big salad or a fruit salad for dessert w/Cool whip, or whatever. If you plan, you succeed. If you wing it, you fail. So good for you for planning!!!!

I'm travelling this weekend and this will be a big help. Also, I'll enlist help from our hostess. She's a great cook and she will a wonderful and supportive help.

1:40 p.m.
Lunch was a little strange today. I finished the "coffeecake" from this morning. It was more like a flattened cinnamon souffle but tasty nonetheless. I followed up with a couple deli slices each of ham and turkey. No veggies. No good. I forgot I had veggies from a couple of days ago waiting to be finished. I'll get those tonight. Felt tired and low when I came in for lunch. I was very restless last night and got little sleep. Still feeling out of sorts.

I stopped at Starbucks on the way back to work and got a tall, nonfat, plain iced latte. Here's what I found out later about the nutritional content:

Calories 100
Fat Calories 0
Total Fat (g) 0
Saturated Fat (g) 0
Trans Fat (g) 0
Cholesterol (mg) 5
Sodium (mg) 120
Total Carbohydrates (g) 15
Fiber (g) 0
Sugars (g) 14

I guess I better not do this again for a while.

Evening
I was so tired after work; there was no way I was cooking. I went to MacD's and got Don his usual and then to Starbucks for his preferred drink. I made his MacD's drink a diet coke and I was good to go with my own MacD's salad. Here's the breakdown:

Premium Bacon Ranch Salad with Grilled Chicken Cal. 260, Total Carbohydrates 12 g, Sugars 5 g, Newman's Ranch Dress Cal. 170, Total Carbs 9 g, Sugar 4g.
Total for Salad and dressing at dinner is 430 calories. And Brie for dessert. I love my Brie.

It's barely 7 p.m. and I'm hoping that this will be enough for me tonight. I need to look in the fridge and figure out tomorrow.

Day Three

10:15 a.m. - at work
I am in an excellent frame of mind this morning. Breakfast went well. Soy pork sausage and veggies broken up and mixed into two eggs. Sprinkled a bit of cheddar on the top. Good.

I've noticed that the soy products for this brand are somewhat bland. Next time around, I'll pick up Morningstar products. I've had these before and as I recall, they are much more flavorful.

I'm not feeling at all hungry this morning. My scale had good news as well. I've lost 2 lbs since Sunday's first weigh-in. That puts me at 265. I expect a big drop this week. First week big drops always happen but then it levels out to 1-2 lbs per week. I'll be very happy with that.

2 p.m. - at work
Went home for lunch. Had leftovers of the chicken paprika from last night. Didn't have any dressing for a salad (have to make it tonight). Had a wedge of Brie but no veggies. Not good and I have to avoid doing that too much. Stopped for gasoline on the way back to work and had an "aha" moment as I recalled that diet soda was allowable, so I got a 20 oz diet Pepsi. Refreshing. Just what I needed for an afternoon pick-me-up.

Evening
Tonight's meal was a big success. Chicken thighs (boneless, skinless) baked with a mixture of celery, onions, croutons, basil, parsley, and s/p. OMG, it tasted so good. But, wait, it gets better. Tonight I made up one of the salad dressings from the book - cottage cheese and IMO base blended with salt and garlic and blue cheese. It was creamy, flavorful, and tasted terrific. That plus Spanish rice and what a meal. No dessert. Haven't made any yet. May do so later to have on hand tomorrow. Dessert recipes from the book too.

All in all - another very good day.

Day Two

MORNING - 8:25 a.m. - at work
I am already struggling with the urge to have more. I awoke at 6 a.m. and felt totally unprepared for food prep today. I managed to make breakfast an easy task by scrambling two eggs and mixing soy pork sausage and diced yellow, red, and green bell peppers into the mix. It was tasty but oh, I am mentally screaming for something that is toast-like. Bread, bagel, muffin - damn it. And so early in the day.

Well, what was I really to expect? Reducing carbs is like any other withdrawal and this is my withdrawal period. These first few days will be tough. It will even out, I'm sure, but then I will be attacked by my craving's twin demon - Boredom.

I recommit right now - this is where I come to crow over my successes, scream over my craving's, and rail at the boredom that I know will hit me. The crazy thing is that yesterday I enjoyed the meals, enjoyed the careful preparation. I think I need to take a page or two from Julie Powell's attitude (Julie & Julia) and just throw myself into my crazed moments if that's what it takes to get me through to the other side and satisfaction.

MORNING - 10:45 a.m. - at work
I am feeling very jittery. Hungry. Drinking a lot of water. I'm out of here at noon to go home and make lunch.

1:20 p.m. - at work
Thank God the morning has been and gone. I went home for lunch and it took 40 minutes to prepare lunch. I had to thaw a chicken breast (10 minutes), grill same (20 minutes), sliced cucumbers, radishes, and celery. Dipped it all in 2T of ranch dressing (2 grams carbs). The best part was my much loved Brie cheese. I had a small wedge and that was that. Now it's water for the rest of the day.

I don't feel nearly as moody as I did this morning. I have a chicken in the crockpot at home and that will make a good main course for tonight.

4:10 p.m. - at work . . . The afternoon felt much better than the morning. I think I did not have enough to eat this morning and it really put me on edge.

Evening
Got home about 7 p.m. I was in meetings until 6 p.m. and then met up with Elaine at Sweet River. I had water. Over a period of about an hour and half, the chicken in the crockpot evolved into Paprika Chicken (out of the carb addict book) Tasty. I served it over biscuit and was satisfied after having a spoonful of peanut butter for dessert.

It looks like my day two has ended successfully.

The day started late for me . . .

. . . since I woke up at 9:11 a.m. What a surprise. Not at all usual for me.

By 11:30 I was eating my first carb addict program meal. Breakfast was an egg substitute onion/cheese omelet with veggie sausage links. Going veggie or using an egg substitute is an option only and since I like soy products, I went that route.

By 2:30 I knew that I would need to eat again by 3:30 or I would miss my second meal entirely and go directly to dinner sometime after 6:30 p.m. I put together a large green salad with a variety of veggies and a tuna salad mixture (recipe out of the program book). I discovered that cucumbers make me burp. I suppose they always have but I am really taking the time to notice how I react to food and, yup, there was a bit of quiet burping going on. Thank God it was quiet since I was at Mass during part of the cucumber siege on my digestion.

Evening is my reward meal time. The carb addict program has a few "must-do's" among which are

1.) eat your meal in a one hour period;
2.) no snacking; and
3.) your reward meal is anything you like but must be balanced.

The other thing about reward meals is that you can have seconds if you like but if you go for seconds, it must of everything you have already eaten. That keeps things in balance.

After tonight's reward meal, I had dessert too - orange/chocolate ice cream. This was my first and only carb of the day. I knew we had some ice cream left so I saved up my dinner carbs for dessert. Dinner was a grilled hamburger patty, salad greens, and steamed broccoli and cauliflower. I sprinkled a bit of grated lo-fat cheddar cheese over it all.

Meals were finished in the allotted period of time and now at 7:30 p.m. I'll just enjoy water if I feel the need for anything. I don't think finishing my meals in an hour will be difficult. I'm working at slowing down my eating but one hour is plenty of time.

I think the one hour restriction will have to be more carefully watched during special occasion dinners and holiday meals. I'll have a chance to test that fairly soon since it's October. Lots of holidays and special events around the corner.

Starting Over - No Lapband After All

Today I am starting over. Today, this blog is going public. Shame over the condition of my body has been one of my biggest enemies and I will not let guilt and shame control me anymore.After exploring lapband surgery, I came to realize that this was not the road for me to take. If I don't have control over what is happening with my body now, there is no reason to believe that that will change because of the added tool of having a lapband. So, without going into a lot of detail about what let me to this decision, suffice it to say that THAT is not where I'm going.

I have struggled with weight issues since high school and that was a long time ago. Sadly, there was nothing wrong with my weight in high school but I didn't recognize that and was influenced by others. It's been one difficulty and body issue confusion misdirect after another ever since.

But today -
I am saying -
GOOD-BYE
To Guilt and Shame

This morning is the first day of my work with the Dr. Heller's and their program they have devised for carbohydrate addicts. Yes, that me. No big secret. I love carbs in any way, shape, or form. Morning, noon, night - it's way too many carbs and not enough protein and veggies.

After a week of reading and studying their book, The Carbohydrate Addict's Diet, I'm ready to start. If you are interested in learning more about the program, click here for their website. Like Atkin's, they tackle the issue of carbs. UNLIKE Atkin's, they don't radically eliminate carbs. The Hellers focus on balance.

I shared a lot of this book with my friend, Elaine, who is very slim, and she has been an enormous resource of no bullshit feedback and support. And like many slim people, she has had to work hard at it, but she's been working at it for years and got the clues early for not getting out of control. I didn't - so here I am. Thank you, Elaine, for being my friend, and seeing past my exterior.

So - I share this journey with you. I commit to being excruciatingly honest. I suspect that sometimes it won't be pretty. And as the Heller's encourage daily weighing in to keep track of body fluctuations and discovering one's average weight loss for the week, I have done the first of my daily weight-ins. I will be posting everyday at least once a day, perhaps more. I'll be talking about food, menus, recipes, and what worked and what didn't.

This morning I weighed 267 lbs.

Rewiring

I've just been quietly going about my business this week. Rewiring my attitude towards food is complex and time consuming. Last night I made Sloppy Joe's for dinner. Kris and Don had buns. I had it on lettuce, LOTS of lettuce. Also had grated cheddar cheese on it. Probably had too much cheese on it. More rewiring. But, it was like a taco salad. I liked it better than with a bun. Waldorf salad accompanied.

Today

Well, this morning has come and gone. The colonoscopy was a cinch. I even recovered from the twilight sedation with no problems. I was alert within five minutes and the dizziness of the anesthesia was gone in an hour. I was able to eat a lunch of clam chowder within an hour after the procedure and really feel fine. I had been a bit anxious about this because Don's recovery three months ago too so much longer and seemed a lot more uncomfortable. In reality, the worst part of the entire procedure was drinking that too sweet, tartish, lemony flavored gunk.

I'm focused now on proper eating - eliminating fried foods, most anything that is white, and carbonated drinks and sadly, Mexican and Chinese for the time being. Also continuing to increase the fruits and vegetables. Have lots of tomatos from the garden so am enjoying those on everything.

Between now and August 25th, I'll be posting my weight each week. After my next DMC weightloss meeting, I'll post the weight that shows on their scale. This morning, at home, I was 265. Last Tuesday on the DMC scale, I was 270.8, down from 273.4. Since I started a month ago, I've lost 5-6 pounds overall. Slow is good. My goal is to get it off and then keep it off. In August 2010, I would like to weight 198. That was my weight when I started this job in Jan. 1989. In August 2010 I retire. My weightloss goal after that is whatever I end up at that feels comfortable - 150ish would be nice.

Too Sweet Lemons

Oh man, the stuff I have to drink for the colonoscopy is nasty. Anyway, it doesn't taste too badly starting out but after about a cup (and that's the first of 4) it gets a little tough to take. My second round starts at 3 a.m. Who's idea was THAT?

I had a bowl of cereal this morning and that's it but I'm not a bit hungry. In fact, this stuff makes me feel bloated. Yuck. I think the procedure itself will be a piece of cake since I'll sleep through it. I'm not enjoying the before and don't expect to enjoy the after either. Maybe I can sleep through the after too. Whoa, that would be nice.

Yesterday

Last night after work I was at the DMC weight loss meeting again, my first since the 14th. I've lost 3 lbs. Since All Care expects me to loss 27 lbs, I have quite a ways to go. The next meeting is Aug. 25th.

Tomorrow I start my 24 hours purge of my system before having a colonoscopy Friday morning. Things won't be pretty for a while.

More about that afterwards.

This morning . . .

. . . I had quiche and fruit at HOJ. I'm always surprised at how filling and satisfying it is. I may be skipping lunch today. Feeling very full even as I approach 11 a.m.

I'm still re-thinking this entire lap band idea. I know that Toni will be very happy to hear this.

More later
**********************************

Reflections on Tuesday Evening

I have a lot to think about. I went to an information and orientation meeting regarding bariatric surgery and lap band surgery. I have no interest in the bariatric surgery but lap band has a big appeal. At least it DID. I left all my notes at home but here is what I remember, in no particular order.

no coffee after surgery for ten days and then only decaf.

liquid diet for ten days after surgery.

multivitamin supplements are critical. Flintstone Complete chewables and choco-calcium are easy to consume and the chewing predigests them.

As I go along, I will discover what works in my body now and what does not. I should not be surprised that there will be many things I cannot eat anymore because I just will not be able to tolerate the food.

Lots more and I will fill in from my notes later however - here is my initial reaction.

Lap band, used as a tool, forces me to do what I could do freewill if I just got my act together. Taking vitamins in good. I'll get the items mentioned about the next time I need to pick up calcium plus D. Modifying and constantly watch food is good. I'm expected to do it to lose weight whether I have the surgery or not. Exercise can't be overlooked just because lap band is in place. In essence, I'm doing all the things I would normally do without surgery and giving up the pleasure that food gives.

MORE Later

Tip from Tammy

Good information here from Tammy S., one of my readers -

It's VERY important to try & eat breakfast. That makes a BIG difference in your caloric intake for the day. People who eat breakfast tend not to overeat as much later in the day. Definitely work on getting more calories (at least 1/2 your daily calories) before 1 pm. It helps avoid being too hungry at night and overeating.

It's hard to change old habits, so just take baby steps and keep working on it. With the lap band surgery I'm sure you'll have to eat smaller, more frequent meals, so this is a good thing to start working on.

Keep up the good work :)
Tammy
********************************************

Thanks Tammy - every little tip helps.
Breakfast today was

Mixed fruit - 150 cals
4 saltine crackers 52
Total 202 calories
**************************
Lunch today
2 slices whole grain bread 140
2 slices turkey bologne 50
1 slice cheddar cheese 114
greentea lemonade 110
Total - 414 calories

**********************
Dinner today
5 oz lean slo-cooker beef 331
1 white potato w/skin 65
lettuce with 3T dressing 120
greentea lemonade 110
Total - 626
*************************
TOTAL for the day is 1242 calories

I drank a lot of water, my greentea lemonade 110 calories (don't have countrytime yet. will get it tomorrow).
and ice tea at starbucks unsweetened.

It has been a quiet and unchallenging day today. Started out with
a bowl of cereal again (230 cals) and
had an apple around noon (80 calories).

I have not eaten out at all this week. This is saving me calories and our bank account balance isn't suffering. Good all the way around. I still have not gotten enough food today. It's 2:45 and I'm getting hungry. I've been drinking my GTL but that is not food and nutrition; it's flavored water.

Subtotal - 310 cals. as of 2:45 since waking. Not good.
*******************************************

dinner was 6 oz white meat chicken grilled - 280
3 services of mixed fruit - 150

310
280
150
Total for the day - 740

Green Tea Lemonade, MY WAY

After discovering the hard truth of Starbucks' Green Tea Lemonade, I determined that there HAD to be an easier way to have my tea and drink it too. So - I went looking for Plan B.

Take Countrytime lemonade - sugar free. Make as directions indicate.
Brew two - four Green Tea bags in 2-4 Cups of water. Brew to taste.
Combine.
Chill
Taste
If it is not sweet enough, add Splenda, one packet at a time.

Now instead of consuming Starbucks' calorie-laden version, I have a calorie free version that is very refreshing and pretty much cost free.

I vow to do better today and take in more balanced food. Off for cereal now. The good stuff, not the frosted stuff. Updating coming up.
*********************

cereal from wellness center with 1/2 C low fat milk - 280

I have brought yogurt, orange and apple with me for daytime food. No eating out.

It's 11:15 and I just returned from Dr. Canale, gastroenterologist. What a nice, nice man. Very reassuring and calming. I will be having a colonoscopy AND a gastroscopy. One is rectal, the other is scoped through the mouth to examine the stomach. Prep time is not as unpleasant as other preps. More about that as the time approaches. So, July 31st is the date. It also happens to be Dr. C's birthday. I'm going to bring him a card to give him when I go to the surgery center.

More uppdates for today to come.

*******************************
It's 3:45. Finally got around to eating again. Having some yogurt

Greek Pomegranate 230 cals.

Subtotal 510 cals
**************************

I also had a Starbucks green tea lemonade. A grande has 453 cals. I substitute one packet of Splenda and save myself a wopping 116 cals. so, the grande w/splenda is 337 cals. If I get a tall green tea lemonade that's 350 cals. less 88 cals replaced by splenda. Grand total for that would be 262 cals.

I really like the Green Tea Lemonade so I think from now one I will get a Tall with Splenda.

So, new subtotal - 510 cals + 337 cals = 847. I will cheerfully cut that down to a Tall and save more calories and still have the pleasure of the GRL.
***********************************

Dinner was 3 oz burger sandwich. Lettuce on with mustard and ketchup.

Subtotal -847
Burger - 440
TOTAL 1287 calories for the day

Tuesday is day 2. I'm filled with strength and hope. I looked into the pantry this morning and all I found for cereal was Don's sugar coated stuff. I decided on a serving of frosted mini-wheat and 1/2 cup of milk (estimate - 235 calories) Also had coffee with cream (estimate 50 calories)

BREAKFAST
Cereal and milk - 235
Coffee w/creme - 50 TOTAL 285

updates to come
*****************************

I did not get out for lunch today. This isn't good. I need regular meals or by this weekend I'm going to be overeating like mad.

Dinner was a grilled cheese and eggs sandwich and pomegranate yogurt.
2 slices whole grain bread - 140
2 eggs - 140
2 oz cheddar cheese - 220

That sandwich was 500 cal.

Oops - a margerine would be another 100. Jeeze this adds up.

Sandwich - 600 cals.
Yogurt - 230 cals.

Total for the day - 1115 calories.

I am NOT getting enough food.

Oh! p.s. - went to Border's last night and before leaving, Elaine and I walked to Safeway and back. Not a long walk but I got winded. That will improve.

Big changes

I've been vacationing for a couple of weeks and am now back for the summer. I learned before we went to Placerville this past week that I tested positive for blood in the stool smears I sent off. This means a colonoscopy. No surprise about the colonoscopy but was surprised about the presence of blood.

I also talked to the RN contact for the lapband plan and have learned this:

Clinic in Fresno is my destination
Will be working with Weightloss for Life through Doctor Medical Center in Modesto
My first requirement is to lose 27 lbs (10% of my body weight)
Labs etc to follow.

Today is ground zero for the 27 lbs. Will keep you updated on that. Will be starting with Weightloss for Life as soon as I hear from them.

**************************
FOOD
Had lots of water and two coffees W/cream today. (70 cals.)
Finished the posole at lunch (250 cals) and
had one slice of whole wheat bread (100 cals) and o
ne slice of swiss cheese (95 cals)

SUBTOTAL through lunch - 515 calories

Dinner tonight was one serving of sloppy joes and a serving of coleslaw with pineapple chunks added. Calories estimates are:

Sloppy Joe - 340 (estimate)
coleslaw w/pineapple - 210

TOTAL through dinner - estimate
1,065

What a couple of days I have had. Saturday I took care of some errands and then ended up at Borders for coffee, a couple of books for the road, and a quiet reading place. While there I was reminded that Borders has my all time favorite carrot cake. I successfully resist in for months at a time and considering how many times I visit Borders in just ONE month, that is a lot of resistance. However, yesterday was different. Yesterday I realized that I would need to say good-bye to the luscious treat.

Getting a slice of cake post-surgery would be like buying an entire cake now and then consuming it over a period of several days. I don't see cake as a gone item but I do know that for the foreseeable future, it will be absent. And, when it appears again, it will be one or two bites only. I know I have a lot to learn yet and actual experience is only an idea at this point but I sure did enjoy saying good-bye to my favorite carrot cake yesterday.

At 4:00 Don and I met up at Starbucks. I was coffee'd out from Borders but it was nice sitting there for an hour just visiting outside and away from the house. After about an hour, the noise level really cranked up and that was our signal to go home.

Today Elaine and I headed to the mall for the much looked forward to shopping expedition. Since clothes shopping is one of my least favorite things to do, having a friend along made it easier. And not only was it easier, it was more successful. Not only did E not pull any punches on what not to wear (thank you Stacy and Clint) but she forced me to try on a pair of WHITE carpi's - something that I would not have dreamed of doing since I'm such a dirt magnet. Anyway, it was a great success. I have two complete looks and a few things in the wardrobe already that will fill things out.

Later we went to JoAnne's Fabrics and we were maximally disappointed. Bummer. But it was a truly successful day. Food wasn't crazy and going out and about having fun with a friend definitely keeps one's mind off of food.

Have a busy day ahead of me. Just had coffee black and a bowl of cereal. Getting cleaned up and head to the mall and the pharmacy. Lots of prep for my travel to Oregon on Monday. Need to contact Jone and Marilyn and make final arrangements for meet-up on Wednesday next. Running for now. More later.

Here's A Thought

I try to post to this blog every day or so and a lot of it is a sort of rambling stream of consciousness - sort of like my eating style. stream of consciousness is good for writing but not good for food. Discipline and faith in myself need to take front and center.

Did more lapband reading. so much to absorb (if you will forgive the terrible pun). Has a piece of spinach/feta cheese quiche at HOJ. also coffee with cream. Have a lot to think about. I'm going out in about a 40 minutes to walk around the amphitheatre (right outside my office door). I saw someone walking the walks yesterday and it reminded me that it is actually a really good place to walk.

Later

Well, I didn't walk the amphitheatre but Bogi came by and we walked to the cafeteria for coffee and then walked back. Was swamped at work again today and since it is my last day before vacation starts (one week. YEAH), I never got out to lunch and barely left my desk again. Deb (the boss) brought me a sandwich and then I worked until six. Came home to a surprise.

Krista informed her dad that today is First International Sushi Day. So - what do you think we had for dinner. Yup. Went to the Sushi Garden. Good as usual but as I write this I am thinking, "Jeeze, life just seems to revolved around food." Coffee at HOJ. Lunch wherever. Dinner here, there, home. Planning food, trying to control it. Be active. Not active enough.

Unbelievable how difficult it is and it's only going to get worse. The good news though is that I have the bariatric notebook. I can make a plan. I'll be saving money because eating out will not be so much anymore for a long time.

So - my day is ending. I'll continue writing a lot here. Going to Oregon on Monday so I may not have so much time to post daily but will write it all down and will have lots of non-food things to write about at my main blog.

Day is done.

Had coffee and a muffin this morning. My mind is switched to off. More later.

Later

My mind is switched back on. Dave called. We met for "coffee" at the cafeteria. I got an Odwalla drink - my first. Expennnnsivvve. But, good and 190 cal. no sugar added, all fruit and protein additive.

The weather is beautiful. There is a bit of a breeze. It was a nice walk. More later.

Later

Had lunch. Went to mariachi's. Had their beef burrito. And of course, chips. Delish but not good. I was thinking during lunch that it won't be much longer before I won't going out AT ALL. A big part of me wants to enjoy the things that I won't be having for a long time in the not too far future.

Later

Made another decision today. I have invited Tammy S. to be a reader of this blog. I think only Biene (of the five listed) is actually reading it this days but I think Tammy will be interested since she has lost a substantial amount of weight.

Talked with Ella W. today, at length, about her bi-pass experience. Also learned that Uli C. and Phil S. also had bi-pass. I knew they had lost substantial amounts of weight but did not know about the surgery. Interesting pattern developing. People seem to go for the bi-pass more than the lap band. I wonder why that is?

I am in a time of mental preparation. I know there will be more expected of me after the lap band procedure that has ever been expected of me physically. I suspect childbirth won't even compare to what I've chosen to face.

I've parked far away from Raleys so that I have to walk across the parking lot to get to the store. I'm doing little things to add steps to my day but not enough yet. Still eating but showing some restraint now. Had a hamburger today but chose fruit instead of fries or potato salad. Skipped breakfast. Not good.

I started reading the material Trish gave me on obesity and bariatric surgery and nutrition etc. etc. The reading is very no-nonsense and straightforward.

I spoke to Jennifer today from Dr. Uytingco's office (my GP). My labs came back with surprisingly good news. Sugar is normal and my bad cholesterol is only 130. A few years back it was 170. He wants me at 100 or less. Don't think I got the reading for the good C but it must be okay or she would have been more specific about it.

Tonight I did the first of two stool samples. (Ick - TMI!!) but sending this off will test for blood in my system. Blood would be bad.

So - tomorrow more walking. Add a few more steps. Get the mail myself. Maybe walk to MSR. Do more reading on Trish's material. It's a start.

It's a beautiful Sunday morning. Don and I drove over to St. Anthony's for breakfast to support a LifeTeen fundraiser. We got there very late and totally missed the crowd. Yay to that. There was the usual pancakes, eggs, sausage and bacon, orange juice and coffee. The first round was plenty and we had lots of time for good conversation with Tom and Mercedes, the LifeTeen directors.

Had coffee and a slice of toast w/peanut butter earlier in the morning but feeling very satisfied now.

More to come as the day goes on.

It's Saturday morning. The shower is warming up. I'm looking forward to the walk with Elaine. Updates will appear throughout the day


I had a bowl of cereal (sugared cheerie thingy) and toast with butter. Poor choices all the way around. Met Elaine at Starbucks and ordered a cafe au lait. After visiting for a few more minutes, we took off for downtown, a good place for unhurried walking.









I wore my new curves sandels. Not so sure I should be wearing these for general walking but at a slow ramble, I picked up some photos and generally worked up a bit of a sweat.




Later we headed over to Michael's. I had one thing I needed to get and of course walked out with three things and me with no coupon. Bummer but worth it. Picked up Don's favorite latte for him with a piece of coffee cake and my morning ended with actual movement involved.

The day went along from there. I had some toast and peanut butter at some point, looked over the goodies I picked up at Michael's and did some reading and writing. Then I took a nap. Woke up at 4:40 and went to Raley's.

Dinner tonight was grilled hotdogs, waldorf salad and beans. Drank water. Food is done for the day. It's 6:40.

Last night I ate herb breaded talapia, baked.
coleslaw
bread and butter
water

this morning is had 2 coffee w/cream and 1 muffin
Lunch was 2 shredded beef tacos (Main and Canal), rice and beans, and chips
water
Next time I will skip the rice and beans

tonight? Not very hungry. We'll see how it goes.

No exercise today. SAT in my chair all day.

TONIGHT - grilled hamburg on grill, melted cheese, had with mustard/ketchup on half a french roll. Later met up with Elaine at Starbucks for a cafe au lait. We talked about my future plans with the surgery, she made good suggestions for doing little things that would start to get activity back into my life -

parking at the back of the parking lot, everywhere.
make on walking errand trip to MSR daily
get on the treadmill even if it is only five minutes to start out.

Tomorrow morning she is texting me at 8 a.m. and we are getting together for more coffee but stepping out to walk, not sit and sip.

It's midnight and I'm thinking about food. Have not given in to the lure of the kitchen but will have some water before I go to bed.

Things have changed

Two weeks ago I decided to explore Lap Band surgery. I went to see my doctor, weighed in, had blood work done and now the package has been sent off to the insurance company for me to wait for the next step.

Don and I met today for lunch with Trish. Trish is the inspiration behind this decision. She is 5'1" and has lost 60 lbs so far. She had her surgery in Nov. 08. She in on track and plans to loss 40 more lbs. She is now my mentor.

I decided to start losing weight now and to that end, printed out some information from online, copied Trish's handout from her experience, and I'm writing down my food intake and feelings here.

Today I realized that since making this decision, I have given myself permission to eat most anything I please. No restrictions. No nothing. Add to that lack of exercise, and I'm a bigger mess than I was two weeks ago.

I've also decided not to restrict myself on how I talk about myself here. A spade will be a spade. If I feel like I'm a mess than I AM a mess. No amount of soft pedaling will change that. If we are what we eat then it's leaking out of my pours and I feel a mess.

Today I had fiesta quiche and fruit and coffee for breakfast. Also a cookie. I hated the quiche. Will not be having it again. At lunch I had water, and a BLT/egg sandwich with fruit. I tried to eat very slowly and drank my water - did not sip it. Trish says no straws because of air intake. Not good for you.

Tonight I am walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes.

So that is what is happening. I do not want bi-pass surgery. Lap Band is less invasive and goes more slowly. I like that better. My goal is to lose 120 lbs. by the time I retire in October 2010.

Lady Stuff

One month after making my nurse practitioner appointment, I actually went. No cancelling. No reluctance. I did it. Eight years after my last lady stuff appointment, I actually went.

Several years ago, when my employer changed our medical policy options, I had to leave my doctor. It was really hard because he was a great guy, had seen the family through all sorts of minor ailments and regular exams and most importantly, where the lady stuff was concerned, I was totally comfortable with him. So when I had to change doctors, the absolute last thing I wanted to do was start the lady stuff again with someone new. And, well, I didn't.

Kris grew up. Kris became a medical assistant. Kris started bugging ME about doing what I needed to do. Fortunately, I found I had an option. Dr. Sanchez, OB-GYN, had a nurse practitioner in his office. Kris recommended her and finally, after eight years, I took care of business.

I have several things to take care of that will cover everything from bone scans, HRT topical creme, a mammogram, labs for any number of things, and a colon health check. Boy, when I do something, I do it big. It's going to take me a month to do all this stuff.

But, I'm glad I did it. It's so easy for me to ignore things; to follow the road sign that says "If it ain't broken, don't fix it." Sad thing though, often you don't know that it IS broken until it's too late. So - thanks Kris for bugging me until I listened. You are truly my best girl.

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday. I've been thinking a lot about Lent this week. I feel there are two areas that I over-indulge in - lunch out and time spent on my personal computer stuff during work hours.

I also am very concern about the job drought that Quanah is so burdened with. Somehow, I think, these two areas can be overcome and so my commitment this Lent is to bring my lunch to work or go home and to work to break the habit of personal computer time at work. I will do this for Quanah's intention. It will be a big sacrifice because the habits are so ingrained.

I have also assigned a notebook to use during Lent and I will do daily readings during the Lenten season.

Disappointed Again

Quanah suffered a big set back again. He applied for a job at a local parish; a job that was tailor made for him. Deadline for applications is tomorrow. He turned his in today. He left with the knowledge that someone had already been found and the hiring was just about a done deal. But they would keep his application just in case, and yada yada yada.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. This sort of crap has happened to Quanah more times than I can count since his move to Oregon. The job was filled but the announcement had not been pulled; the job was rewritten because they really wanted someone who was bilingual though the announcement did not mention that; or the job was cancelled; or or or. . . .

He went from excited to let down yet again. We are pissed by all this unprofessional hiring behavior, behavior that should not be happening. You place a deadline, you review all applicants AFTER the deadline; you select 3-4 for interviews and consideration; you make a choice and an offer. That's how it SHOULD be. In 14 months of searching for a job with the church, this has not happened ONCE. Clearly there is a great need for hiring and interviewing skills.

Shabby, church people. Really. Shabby.

DAMN!!!!!

DAMNITDAMNITDAMNIDAMNIDAMNIT. Just spoke with my brother. He is having a lump (probably a subacious cyst) removed on Tuesday. Let's hope that's all it is. BUT . . . .

He is also having a CAT scan. Unrelated to cyst. He's been waking up in the middle of the night a lot with headaches and pain in his left eye. This scares me. David is 14 years younger than me. This should not be happening to him. He has not been feeling himself lately and this is very scary.

David is always so healthy and active. Bad. BAD!!DAMNITDAMNITDAMNIDAMNIDAMNIT.

What does it all mean?

I have been having more and more nightmares lately. Last night was a dozy. Don didn’t have to wake me up from this one but I still, at 11 a.m., feel like I’ve been run over by a semi.

I was so tired last night that I went to bed just after 9 p.m. That is very early for me. I couldn’t even read so I just turned in. I actually got in way more that my usual 4-5 hours but by 5:45 I was so into a nightmare that I was awake and trying to shake it off for 15-20 minutes. No luck.

Sometimes nightmares are really horrifying as much as they are crazed and mindless. Sometimes the devil is in the details, not scary but terrifying nonetheless.

Last night I was on a road trip with my friend, B. We headed north to Modesto. As I was driving, I flung a large, very thick soft cover dark green book out the driver’s window. It flew across the road and landed on the far side in a flat area. The book was my Catechism of the Catholic Church. Now THAT has got to be fraught with symbolism. A little further up the road I pulled off to the side. I carried an armload of books as I got out of the car and after looking around, dropped them into the ditch.

After I returned to the car, B and I continued north passed Hatch Rd. At some point, I drove off the road, ended up in a carnival-like courtyard in San Francisco and explored an art museum concentrating particularly on an American Indian artist. B, who loves art museums, stayed outside, not wanting to see anything of the exhibit.

From there, we took an escalator to another area to explore but by this time it was all becoming very vague. We left, found that we had lost my car, walked back up the rock and dirt road to the main road and discovered that we were in someone’s driveway. We were well and truly lost.

Quick scene change – We walked through a field and find ourselves on Crowslanding Rd. at Whitmore Ave. It is after dark and this is NOT the place you want to be after dark in Modesto. We sit at the side of a furniture store and several cantinas. YES! Cantinas. I call home for Quanah to pick us up. Q lives in Oregon but in my dream he must be visiting.

By this time, it is night; we are stranded in an undesirable area; my car is lost; my books are gone. My mind is going crazy. It’s 5:45 a.m. and I can’t stand it anymore. I get up to start my day. It’s pushing noon right now and I’m happy to say that I am finally feeling much more settled than I was six hours ago.

Apology

He sent me an apology. I am happy to put it all behind me.

72 hours

Well. My mind was on NOTHING but Friday's fiasco all weekend. Pretty much mess me up. I felt so hard-hearted toward this man that I couldn't even go to communion. I just bent my head for a blessing.

Today is better. At 3:50, he has not come in. I half expected him to not be here because classes are behind us. The festival is behind us. Nothing to do but take a break until spring term starts next Monday.

There is a faculty retreat this coming Thursday. With any luck at all, I won't see him until then.

I feel sick, sick, sick to my stomach. Once again a faculty member has shown his true colors. This new guy comes on board and everyone has a high opinion of him. He fits in. He's liked. I like him. No problems. But there must be a flaw, I have thought. This guy is so busy doing what he likes, moves around so much, that he does not seem to have any sort of personal life.

Well, the flaw showed itself today. The guy is a raving, email screaming nut case. He's aimed his guns at me twice this week. Today's attack came totally out of the blue. Something goes wrong with one of his students and he assumes that I did not do my job. He sends this raving email at me.

I've had it. Twenty years I've worked here and there is always some young asshole coming on the scene who thinks he can throw his weight around and throw a tantrum when things don't go his way. I've seen jerks like him come and go. Stupidly I thought I was finally safe from young unseasoned faculty and their egos. Stupidly.

Of course, it hardly matters that I had the information to send him to show him that he was wrong. But enough was enough. Slap me? I slap back. He claims I don't respect him and he's the one yelling and spewing unfounded accusations. Talk about disrespect. So I slapped back and told him he was out of line (among other things).

Now he thinks we can talk because there are things to work out. Fat chance. If he wants to talk to me he can talk to my boss first. When he emailed me, he cc:'d not only my boss, but another faculty member, someone who doesn't have anything to do with the matter at hand. I called him on that too.

I have no intention of going one on one with him. I did not do anything wrong and I've never disrespected him. I don't even know HOW to disrespect. It's not in my nature. No. He can talk to my boss first and then I will talk to her and then if necessary we will talk together and she will mediate. I will not put myself at the mercy of someone who thinks they can say whatever they want and because I am staff I have to take it. I do not have to take it and I won't.

I learned a long time ago how to distance myself from people I don't respect. Yes, Andy, as of that email, I don't have any respect for you which is quite different from behaving in a disrespectful manner. No. What I do now is re-route myself. I distance myself. The best way I know of for re-routing myself from someone when I can't avoid them is to not say their name.

I've used that tactic from time to time over the years. It's subtle and people usually don't get it though they might feel something is off. After all, when I am talking to them or communicating with them in any way, I never say their name. It's a weird way of making them invisible to me. Taking away a person's name takes away their identify. I can acknowledge they are there. I can work with and interact with them. But if I don't say their name, I feel a sense of safety and distance from them. Something tells me that I have a lot of re-routing ahead of me.

I used the treadmill for the first time last night. I walked for 20 minutes, burned 56 cals; had my heartrate up to 116. I wobbled as I walked away. Tonight more. Oh the joy of exercise.

I have an appointment

I made the call. I have an appointment. I'll see a nurse practitioner at the OB-GYN office on February 28th. I'm going to take care of the lady stuff. It's been way, WAY too long.

Patterns (Part II)

Weight has always been an issue for me. Big surprise since it IS for most women, to one degree or another. For some of us though, we have let our weight get way out of hand and the reasons are usually private and deeply buried. I know what my reasons are. Early loneliness and insecurity were the driving force. Long after I have reconciled myself to those companions and made peace with them, the pattern of eating for comfort has stayed with me.

Whatever our reason(s), we are left with a lifetime of pattern eating that effects us one way or the other - hyper overweight or terribly underweight. In either direction, we are under nourished and we are putting our health at extreme risk. I've spent decades going up and down and trying to break the cycle and find the balance with food, activity and gaining a healthy weight.

Healthy weight to me means getting to a weight I am comfortable at, a weight I can live with. It isn't a weight that is dictated by an ideal clothing size. Nor is it dictated by a chart in a medical office or on a gym wall.

So how do I get there? What are the patterns of eating that seriously sabotage me? No question about it - eating out is a big culprit. I CANNOT ever successfully lose weight and keep it off if I eat out on an almost daily basis. So what changes?

Lunch out. Simple. Economical. It goes on the chopping block. I have determined that 4 days out of 5, I will go home for lunch. Going out to lunch that one day will include companionship. Elaine and I get together over lunch. Perhaps Biene. Bev in Modesto. Whoever. If there is no company, I go home.

It's a baby step. It is a positive action I can take to start getting this problem in order. I can focus more on fruits and vegetables when I'm at home. I can balance between protein and veggies or carbs and veggies. I can make decisions to not have too much of one thing and not enough of another.

So, today is day one. I'm going home to lunch and while I'm there, I'm going to have Don instruct me on how to use the treadmill he purchased last week. No more excuses.

Update

I learned yesterday that I do NOT need a recommendation from my PCP to select my own OB-GYN. I'm making that phone call now.

Patterns

When I dropped from my regular blog, it was like saying an official hello to January and my season of reflection. Writing here at this private blog has made me look more closely at things. I've been blogging long enough now to have noted this pattern and there have been some interesting results from it.

• I became more comfortable with writing and sharing my creativity publicly;
• I discovered a world of friendship and redefined its value and came to appreciate its many manifestations;
• I found a way to follow my own rhythms and not pattern myself after anyone else;
• I discovered that there was a world of women out there who had found similar paths that have helped them over life's challenges.

Each discovery has always brought me back to a specific and enduring issue - my own attitude towards my health and self-care. I think Krista (I love you, you are my best girl) will like reading this. So will Don for that matter.

This is my year to start doing the right thing for myself health-wise. I don't remember the last time I had a breast or PAP exam. My on-going battle with weight is unresolved. I'm quite sure I understand the root causes of my weight problem and food issues but knowing does not change the fact that the body learns certains kinds of behavior and after a while the mental patterns that influence behavior take over in such a way that control is automatic and the effort to get back control almost impossible.

Elaine encouraged me to take just one step, do just one thing. Health exams seem like they would be the most immediate thing to resolve so one phone call today will help me determine if I can choose my own OB-GYN doctor. If that is so, if I do not have to call my PCP for a recommendation, then that will be the easiest step to take.

So, I'm off to make that phone call to the benefits officer on campus and take that first step. More to come.

Hamilton's Cafe

I went to Hamilton's Cafe today, with Krista's much better camera, and created a photo essay. My friend Toni loves Hamilton's so I have a little surprise in store for her. If you are reading this Toni, I can promise you there will be no spoilers here.

The thing I'm happiest about is that I had this objective to accomplish and I did it. I was concerned that people might not like being in the random pictures I took but after walking up to perfect strangers and explaining what I was up to, they were fine with it.

Rather than continue to be so mysterious about it though, I will post a couple of teaser pictures here and reveal that the new header is also from Hamilton's.