Today is Ash Wednesday. I've been thinking a lot about Lent this week. I feel there are two areas that I over-indulge in - lunch out and time spent on my personal computer stuff during work hours.
I also am very concern about the job drought that Quanah is so burdened with. Somehow, I think, these two areas can be overcome and so my commitment this Lent is to bring my lunch to work or go home and to work to break the habit of personal computer time at work. I will do this for Quanah's intention. It will be a big sacrifice because the habits are so ingrained.
I have also assigned a notebook to use during Lent and I will do daily readings during the Lenten season.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Disappointed Again
Quanah suffered a big set back again. He applied for a job at a local parish; a job that was tailor made for him. Deadline for applications is tomorrow. He turned his in today. He left with the knowledge that someone had already been found and the hiring was just about a done deal. But they would keep his application just in case, and yada yada yada.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. This sort of crap has happened to Quanah more times than I can count since his move to Oregon. The job was filled but the announcement had not been pulled; the job was rewritten because they really wanted someone who was bilingual though the announcement did not mention that; or the job was cancelled; or or or. . . .
He went from excited to let down yet again. We are pissed by all this unprofessional hiring behavior, behavior that should not be happening. You place a deadline, you review all applicants AFTER the deadline; you select 3-4 for interviews and consideration; you make a choice and an offer. That's how it SHOULD be. In 14 months of searching for a job with the church, this has not happened ONCE. Clearly there is a great need for hiring and interviewing skills.
Shabby, church people. Really. Shabby.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. This sort of crap has happened to Quanah more times than I can count since his move to Oregon. The job was filled but the announcement had not been pulled; the job was rewritten because they really wanted someone who was bilingual though the announcement did not mention that; or the job was cancelled; or or or. . . .
He went from excited to let down yet again. We are pissed by all this unprofessional hiring behavior, behavior that should not be happening. You place a deadline, you review all applicants AFTER the deadline; you select 3-4 for interviews and consideration; you make a choice and an offer. That's how it SHOULD be. In 14 months of searching for a job with the church, this has not happened ONCE. Clearly there is a great need for hiring and interviewing skills.
Shabby, church people. Really. Shabby.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
DAMN!!!!!
DAMNITDAMNITDAMNIDAMNIDAMNIT. Just spoke with my brother. He is having a lump (probably a subacious cyst) removed on Tuesday. Let's hope that's all it is. BUT . . . .
He is also having a CAT scan. Unrelated to cyst. He's been waking up in the middle of the night a lot with headaches and pain in his left eye. This scares me. David is 14 years younger than me. This should not be happening to him. He has not been feeling himself lately and this is very scary.
David is always so healthy and active. Bad. BAD!!DAMNITDAMNITDAMNIDAMNIDAMNIT.
He is also having a CAT scan. Unrelated to cyst. He's been waking up in the middle of the night a lot with headaches and pain in his left eye. This scares me. David is 14 years younger than me. This should not be happening to him. He has not been feeling himself lately and this is very scary.
David is always so healthy and active. Bad. BAD!!DAMNITDAMNITDAMNIDAMNIDAMNIT.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
What does it all mean?
I have been having more and more nightmares lately. Last night was a dozy. Don didn’t have to wake me up from this one but I still, at 11 a.m., feel like I’ve been run over by a semi.
I was so tired last night that I went to bed just after 9 p.m. That is very early for me. I couldn’t even read so I just turned in. I actually got in way more that my usual 4-5 hours but by 5:45 I was so into a nightmare that I was awake and trying to shake it off for 15-20 minutes. No luck.
Sometimes nightmares are really horrifying as much as they are crazed and mindless. Sometimes the devil is in the details, not scary but terrifying nonetheless.
Last night I was on a road trip with my friend, B. We headed north to Modesto. As I was driving, I flung a large, very thick soft cover dark green book out the driver’s window. It flew across the road and landed on the far side in a flat area. The book was my Catechism of the Catholic Church. Now THAT has got to be fraught with symbolism. A little further up the road I pulled off to the side. I carried an armload of books as I got out of the car and after looking around, dropped them into the ditch.
After I returned to the car, B and I continued north passed Hatch Rd. At some point, I drove off the road, ended up in a carnival-like courtyard in San Francisco and explored an art museum concentrating particularly on an American Indian artist. B, who loves art museums, stayed outside, not wanting to see anything of the exhibit.
From there, we took an escalator to another area to explore but by this time it was all becoming very vague. We left, found that we had lost my car, walked back up the rock and dirt road to the main road and discovered that we were in someone’s driveway. We were well and truly lost.
Quick scene change – We walked through a field and find ourselves on Crowslanding Rd. at Whitmore Ave. It is after dark and this is NOT the place you want to be after dark in Modesto. We sit at the side of a furniture store and several cantinas. YES! Cantinas. I call home for Quanah to pick us up. Q lives in Oregon but in my dream he must be visiting.
By this time, it is night; we are stranded in an undesirable area; my car is lost; my books are gone. My mind is going crazy. It’s 5:45 a.m. and I can’t stand it anymore. I get up to start my day. It’s pushing noon right now and I’m happy to say that I am finally feeling much more settled than I was six hours ago.
I was so tired last night that I went to bed just after 9 p.m. That is very early for me. I couldn’t even read so I just turned in. I actually got in way more that my usual 4-5 hours but by 5:45 I was so into a nightmare that I was awake and trying to shake it off for 15-20 minutes. No luck.
Sometimes nightmares are really horrifying as much as they are crazed and mindless. Sometimes the devil is in the details, not scary but terrifying nonetheless.
Last night I was on a road trip with my friend, B. We headed north to Modesto. As I was driving, I flung a large, very thick soft cover dark green book out the driver’s window. It flew across the road and landed on the far side in a flat area. The book was my Catechism of the Catholic Church. Now THAT has got to be fraught with symbolism. A little further up the road I pulled off to the side. I carried an armload of books as I got out of the car and after looking around, dropped them into the ditch.
After I returned to the car, B and I continued north passed Hatch Rd. At some point, I drove off the road, ended up in a carnival-like courtyard in San Francisco and explored an art museum concentrating particularly on an American Indian artist. B, who loves art museums, stayed outside, not wanting to see anything of the exhibit.
From there, we took an escalator to another area to explore but by this time it was all becoming very vague. We left, found that we had lost my car, walked back up the rock and dirt road to the main road and discovered that we were in someone’s driveway. We were well and truly lost.
Quick scene change – We walked through a field and find ourselves on Crowslanding Rd. at Whitmore Ave. It is after dark and this is NOT the place you want to be after dark in Modesto. We sit at the side of a furniture store and several cantinas. YES! Cantinas. I call home for Quanah to pick us up. Q lives in Oregon but in my dream he must be visiting.
By this time, it is night; we are stranded in an undesirable area; my car is lost; my books are gone. My mind is going crazy. It’s 5:45 a.m. and I can’t stand it anymore. I get up to start my day. It’s pushing noon right now and I’m happy to say that I am finally feeling much more settled than I was six hours ago.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
72 hours
Well. My mind was on NOTHING but Friday's fiasco all weekend. Pretty much mess me up. I felt so hard-hearted toward this man that I couldn't even go to communion. I just bent my head for a blessing.
Today is better. At 3:50, he has not come in. I half expected him to not be here because classes are behind us. The festival is behind us. Nothing to do but take a break until spring term starts next Monday.
There is a faculty retreat this coming Thursday. With any luck at all, I won't see him until then.
Today is better. At 3:50, he has not come in. I half expected him to not be here because classes are behind us. The festival is behind us. Nothing to do but take a break until spring term starts next Monday.
There is a faculty retreat this coming Thursday. With any luck at all, I won't see him until then.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I feel sick, sick, sick to my stomach. Once again a faculty member has shown his true colors. This new guy comes on board and everyone has a high opinion of him. He fits in. He's liked. I like him. No problems. But there must be a flaw, I have thought. This guy is so busy doing what he likes, moves around so much, that he does not seem to have any sort of personal life.
Well, the flaw showed itself today. The guy is a raving, email screaming nut case. He's aimed his guns at me twice this week. Today's attack came totally out of the blue. Something goes wrong with one of his students and he assumes that I did not do my job. He sends this raving email at me.
I've had it. Twenty years I've worked here and there is always some young asshole coming on the scene who thinks he can throw his weight around and throw a tantrum when things don't go his way. I've seen jerks like him come and go. Stupidly I thought I was finally safe from young unseasoned faculty and their egos. Stupidly.
Of course, it hardly matters that I had the information to send him to show him that he was wrong. But enough was enough. Slap me? I slap back. He claims I don't respect him and he's the one yelling and spewing unfounded accusations. Talk about disrespect. So I slapped back and told him he was out of line (among other things).
Now he thinks we can talk because there are things to work out. Fat chance. If he wants to talk to me he can talk to my boss first. When he emailed me, he cc:'d not only my boss, but another faculty member, someone who doesn't have anything to do with the matter at hand. I called him on that too.
I have no intention of going one on one with him. I did not do anything wrong and I've never disrespected him. I don't even know HOW to disrespect. It's not in my nature. No. He can talk to my boss first and then I will talk to her and then if necessary we will talk together and she will mediate. I will not put myself at the mercy of someone who thinks they can say whatever they want and because I am staff I have to take it. I do not have to take it and I won't.
I learned a long time ago how to distance myself from people I don't respect. Yes, Andy, as of that email, I don't have any respect for you which is quite different from behaving in a disrespectful manner. No. What I do now is re-route myself. I distance myself. The best way I know of for re-routing myself from someone when I can't avoid them is to not say their name.
I've used that tactic from time to time over the years. It's subtle and people usually don't get it though they might feel something is off. After all, when I am talking to them or communicating with them in any way, I never say their name. It's a weird way of making them invisible to me. Taking away a person's name takes away their identify. I can acknowledge they are there. I can work with and interact with them. But if I don't say their name, I feel a sense of safety and distance from them. Something tells me that I have a lot of re-routing ahead of me.
Well, the flaw showed itself today. The guy is a raving, email screaming nut case. He's aimed his guns at me twice this week. Today's attack came totally out of the blue. Something goes wrong with one of his students and he assumes that I did not do my job. He sends this raving email at me.
I've had it. Twenty years I've worked here and there is always some young asshole coming on the scene who thinks he can throw his weight around and throw a tantrum when things don't go his way. I've seen jerks like him come and go. Stupidly I thought I was finally safe from young unseasoned faculty and their egos. Stupidly.
Of course, it hardly matters that I had the information to send him to show him that he was wrong. But enough was enough. Slap me? I slap back. He claims I don't respect him and he's the one yelling and spewing unfounded accusations. Talk about disrespect. So I slapped back and told him he was out of line (among other things).
Now he thinks we can talk because there are things to work out. Fat chance. If he wants to talk to me he can talk to my boss first. When he emailed me, he cc:'d not only my boss, but another faculty member, someone who doesn't have anything to do with the matter at hand. I called him on that too.
I have no intention of going one on one with him. I did not do anything wrong and I've never disrespected him. I don't even know HOW to disrespect. It's not in my nature. No. He can talk to my boss first and then I will talk to her and then if necessary we will talk together and she will mediate. I will not put myself at the mercy of someone who thinks they can say whatever they want and because I am staff I have to take it. I do not have to take it and I won't.
I learned a long time ago how to distance myself from people I don't respect. Yes, Andy, as of that email, I don't have any respect for you which is quite different from behaving in a disrespectful manner. No. What I do now is re-route myself. I distance myself. The best way I know of for re-routing myself from someone when I can't avoid them is to not say their name.
I've used that tactic from time to time over the years. It's subtle and people usually don't get it though they might feel something is off. After all, when I am talking to them or communicating with them in any way, I never say their name. It's a weird way of making them invisible to me. Taking away a person's name takes away their identify. I can acknowledge they are there. I can work with and interact with them. But if I don't say their name, I feel a sense of safety and distance from them. Something tells me that I have a lot of re-routing ahead of me.